Have you ever witnessed the grim death of hope……… I have experienced it and this is how it feels.......... When the final fatal blow of fate is struck with one last heavy breath already half-dead hope is released from the comfort confines of saccharine sweet delusional optimism……
it falls in the whirlpool of pesimistic reality ..and slowly drowns to the bottom of the dark depths of painstakingly irrevocable loss.
what remains are the last signs of positivism – handful of bubble top memories of good-times surface and dim.
lifeless hope continues to lie there quiet, solitary and undisturbed……………
resting and rusting in womb of sadness engulfed in deploration for the rest of eternity…….
leaving you with a sinking feeling in your heart which you experience when the waves in the ocean wash the sand away under your feet……..
Well guys, I am back to what I do best- yappity yapping about sweet (sometimes bitter) nothings on virtual space. Well, to begin with I had so many things on my platter- First the good news is I won the "Miss Tiara Title" at Ritika Ramtri Mam's Course after winning most of the subcontests and got to learn so many different things like public speaking, presentation skills, group-discussion, fine-dining, business etiquette, interviewing skills, confidence building and fine dining. I had to really fret it out as the competition was very tough and the Title was too enticing. Secondly, I suffered from a bout of what they term as the "Writer's Block" where all the ideas almost vapurise like amorphous camphor but am OK now and have bounced back to my happy writing self : ) And lastly, I was completely tied down with work both professional and personal that couldn't squeeze time as exciting new responsibilities were added(That's a lame excuse: but still a "NO CAN DO") So here I am ready to blog my heart away...Blog dear......Missed you so darn badly!!!
We were dying to initiate the Lonnavala Karjat trek along the rail route. The plan had turned up into a fiasco in prior two cases. This time “Professor” (Prathamesh) called up late afternoon. “kal chutti hain, lets get spaced out.” The whole plan for lonavala to karjat was fixed up. Along with it, we had a new criteria. Lets make it a freak trip. It was decided to start for this trip with just 100 bucks, and spend the least of it.
In case we come across the wild face of the nature, we were carrying some fire crackers. Other necessary things like water, soap strips, extra pair of socks, lighters, match-box, were also accompanying us that evening.
We started early, just wanted to save some time to avoid getting late the next morning.
As we hopped down the lonavala station, stretched our legs and started walking along the rail tracks. Walking down the track wasn’t as easy as we thought. The un-evenness made it difficult to even set down your feet. After a while we decided we could step on the cement bars on the rail tracks. But walking right from the middle of the track would be pretty risky. Risk’s like stepping onto someone’s poop is as risky as falling off from……..
The Guard at the “Railway Fatak” had spotted our torch from a distance. Sanjay seemed to be pretty friendly, so we let him know our plans for the night. According to Sanjay, walking on the rail tracks wouldn’t be wise. Just because of the darkness, and the long tunnels which are around 4 km long would be fatal for us during the night time. Instead we could walk the distance upto Khandala. Walking down till khandala would be even safe, and wait there till the dawn. Treading the remaining way during the day time would be easier.
As we had no alternative plans ready, we just decided to hop down to Mumbai, spend some time at Marine Drive, and leave for pune early in the morning. On our way to khandala, there was a point where the old Mumbai pune highway was somewhat 10-12 feetbelow the railway bridge. We decided to sit on the edge of the bridge with our feet suspended in the air. The rail track was just 1-2 meter behind us. Every time a train passed us by, it was a thrilling experience.
Khandala Station:
By the time we reached Khandala, it was pretty late. Ensiferum – Battle Song, playing on my mobile phone was the loudest thing on the railway platform. A bony chap entered the station, yawning and stretching his body. By the time he hopped the platform, my playlist had scrolled down to blink 182. He gave us a weird look, and sat on the bench beside us. The new guy joined us, as he boarded the Chennai mail.This guy was going out to catch up his friends in Kalyan. “kabhi kabhi apne bistar mein takkiye daal kar, gharse chup ke se bhag aata hoon. Subah 6 baje papa walk pe jate hain, uss se pehle ghar pohchna padta hain.”
Dadar Station:
The next local was after 40 minutes. So platform ke bench pe sone ki “Khwaish” bhi poori kar-lee.
CST: 0500 hours
We had the sweet coction – tea!
Our whole journey had been a WT(without ticket) journey. It was pre-decided, that we’ll be going the whole way without ticket. The total expenditure for the whole trip was Rs. 17 only, and the expenditure was unavoidable ;)
We boarded the Indrayani express for pune. The boggie jolted, we were on our way back to Pune!
Everyday as my Bus passes through the infamous street of Budwhar Peth, I spot this one lady who is constantly lost in her reverie. I could’t help putting together a fictitious account of her life and imagination in poetry. The poem is called Her Lacuna which means her void because there is a longing for a change somewhere. And a long wait for someone or something who can take her away from her suffering……forgetting that she and only she can put an end to this!!
Her Lacuna!
Somewhat fidgeting, somewhat fighting herself She stands there with her grease laden pudgy face Searching internally but failing to connect with her outer self Manequined in a Saree that is scandalously draped Her low neck blouse revealing her bedizen feminity to its behest A dash of the Color Crimson dabbed across her pouty lips In a weakly lubricious pose but with an artificial grin Trying to be strong when fingers are pointed and distances are kept
She thinks perhaps while standing here for hours Before the long wait is over Why not unlive the lived moments of her glamorous life Beading together each memory as it runs riot Dreams new and old everywhere- aren’t they best left unseen For before you blink- They fork sweet innocence into endless profanity Beyond which, life seems a lot less complicated
They come and go Many times they pay, sometimes they borrow She obdurately faces it all Without displaying even the slightest sign of supplication Personally she may not approve But there is always an inherent obligation Her thoughts are refracted by a nascent hesitance Though it dies a sudden death, once the lights are switched off
She makes them feel like they are her kings However bilious, violent and vituperative- She accepts it all as if- They are the moiety of her own copious sins Her nebulous faith drifts apart with her imagination And finally succumbs to the pain of the reality Her clean past mocks at her sullied present As she braces herself for a chaste future
Its evening time now The ambience in the bazaar is foisting a chaos She looks in the mirror, her mind steers clear of escapist thoughts She stares at the “New one” as they call her Trying diligently to attract their attention She looks at her old fat body and swarthy skin Gulping down depression she continues to stand there Accepting her fate and waiting for them to arrive Ironically to put an end to her own self-inflicted despair………………….
These days I am enjoying the 14th European Union Film Festival at the National Film Archive of India (NFAI) which includes a selection of 20 modern films from France, Czech Republic, Poland, UK, Italy, Germany, Netherlands, Spain, Slovenia, Hungary, Slovakia, Greece, Austria, Portugal, Sweden, Luxembourg, Ireland, Belgium and Denmark. After looking at the amazingly artistic takes in the films and resplendent plush locales of EU, I have this deep pushing drive to go and visit all of these countries someday. They are just so absolutely breath-taking…..May be someday I will!!!
You beat in my heart, And rolled in the tears on my skin You hid in my unsung prayers You claimed to be a victim of my undone sins In my dreams you have slipped several times Accusing me for all the futility of my love But all this will breathe its end now
For I will do myself a favor today I will liberate myself of all your thoughts And with a carefree demeanor I will go dancing in the moon light
You pulled me behind, every time Bound me with my limitations galore I will unwind from your cursing ties Look at you like you never were You can’t scare me anymore You can’t make me feel inferior about myself And a life without you will be all that I want
For I will do myself a favor today I will liberate myself of all your thoughts And with a carefree demeanor I will go dancing in the moon light
I don’t dream any more Neither of you, nor of happiness I won’t make your memories An eternal punishment for my life I will not thrive on false hope I will not care for your existence at all I deserve to be in the realm of my internal- peace
For I will do myself a favor today I will liberate myself of all your thoughts And with a carefree demeanor I will go dancing in the moon light
You have to go from every place That your thoughts invade now From my heart, from my mind But above all from my tarnished soul, that you left to die Surmounted your pain, I am done with your loss Walk away to your bliss and let me walk to mine Now I will survive and I will decide how
For I will do myself a favor today I will liberate myself of all your thoughts And with a carefree demeanor I will go dancing in the moon light
