Indian Student's Surviving Manual

30 January 2010 वेळ: Saturday, January 30, 2010
Chapter 1: Introduction

This Manual is entierly based on the keyword SURVIVAL

S-Seize up your dreams
U-Use not your senses
R- Remember where you are - In INDIA (bro!)
V-Vanquish your dreams
I-Improvise (feel good)
V-Value Living
A-Act like the rest
L-Live by others Wits - But for now learn the basic skills!!

CHAPTER 2 - Psycology for survival

Bass bhaiyya, tu hi woh sher ka baccha hain (jungle mein kaun gaya tha na pucho). Aaj tu padhega, Marks Layega, kal naukri payega! Kisi Multinational Company mein kaam karega. Saal mein medical aur casual pakad ke 15 din chutti milegi. Agar koi aachi Kamayi karne wali ladki mil jave toh aish hi aish!

CHAPTER 3 - Survival Planning

Planning according to the trend. Now-a-days due to recession no one's opting for computer engineering! MBA karo bhaiiyaa.....

CHAPTER 4 - Basic Survival

Be well groomed however gay it looks. Never forget to even tuck in your round neck t-shirt! Afterall "First impresson ijj last impresson!"
Be as spineless as you can.
Dont bother even if anyone chews off a bite of you, untill you're scoring more than him in your terminal exams!
Eat as many churna's, follow every activity that increases memory. Then may it be somthing like combing your hair while you brush your teeth or what-so-ever.

(Gives mental satisfation of being SHARP!!)

CHAPTER5 - Shelters

Varies from the stage you are at!

School - Teachers Staff room, or helping the librarian.
Junior College - Library (completing journals)
Senior College - Nerds are busy studying at recreational places like > parks/maidan/canteen (Never seen them studying at the local paan-wallah)

Office - Boss ki chato~

CHAPTER 6 - Booze Procurement

In college day's, its a myth that appearing for your exams in a drunk state brings you better scores! But the fact is, you dont remember shit about what you've written. So chill maadi! Have some more taadi!
Sources of booze - hostel peon, local liqour shop, sometimes even desi is the preference. (Every student has a potential to be a good economist.) Some of them have also tried preparing on their own. Thanks to Google.

The more you drink, the more fearless you get about your grades. Finally killing the stress is also a part of surviving the competition.

CHAPTER 7 - Knowledge Procurement

Never waste time understanding the topic. To understand you got-to read many more books, which is waste of time. Ratta maro! Copy karna jame-na jame, ratta maro. kuch samajh mein aaye na aaye. Bacchu iss race mein rehna hain ki nahi?

CHAPTER8 - Survival use of the college staff

The lab assistants are always the needy ones. Offer a chai, pass a nip(180ml) of red rum as he's sipping his chai. Now be not worried about the grades! No matter who's the external examiner.
Viva's - I dont think you're that dumb to butter your lecturers :P

Staff Identification - Spot the peon who's got the largest pot belly, red eyes, smells like ghutka, displays to be the closest to God. Get one of your target right, you'll get the remaining list from him.

CHAPTER9 - Dangerous Staff

Mostly the old feminine staff, with shrill voice. ( above 110 - 130 DB) The one who wears the same old safari for 15 days or even longer.....Never try to negotiate your scores with these creatures. Can also proove fatal, and a suspension letter in your hand.

How to Handle them - Be extra inquisitive about the lecture just delivered. Slog to find out a problem, in order to get it rectified from this staff! Attend their lectures even when you're on your death-bed! Once you get an invitation for a cup of tea at your staff's place, consider it done. And remember not to meddle up emotions with your staff's hot daughter.

CHAPTER10 - Dangerous Animals

The nosy one's around. Checkout if theres a guy who's 5 feet 6 inches tall, weighing around 52 kg's., wears a spectacle just to look nerdy. He's the one. Not the one from matrix. He's the one who solves the matrices first. He might turn up nosy and disrupt the tactful handling of the dangerous staff.

How to keep him away - See to it, he's always on the 9th cloud! Call him your elder brother, Jitna "BHAV" khata hain.....Khila-de! Kabhi canteen mein, uske chai ka bill bhar dena! (these nerds can turn up as stingiest animals on the earth)

CHAPTER11 - Field Projects

Fake certificates are always welcome. Save all this time to build up a better project. The Project to be submitted will be the crucial one! slog for the stupid robot to start rotating its wheels for you! Now the device-cum-robot you gave birth to runs at the speed of 5 km/hr and you're sure to score 18/20 lol!

CHAPTER12 - "Kadki" Survival
Gamble! Teen pati is the only game where you can make some bucks. Even the small scale local "satta"(betting) can help you win chai's at canteen. Look around and you'll be blessed with such numerous ideas.

CHAPTER13 - Signaling techniques

These are essential when you're in an examination hall. Totally blank about whats printed in the question paper.

i) Hold your handkerchief between (Main question no.) fingers and thumb, wipe your forehead.
ii)(sub-question no.) fingers to scratch your beard.
iii) Twist your neck - to turn the page
iv)pass the calculator/ ask for the log table - to alert

CHAPTER14 - Survival movements in hostile areas

If at all its necessary to get the micro-xerox out > see to it, the xerox can be secured within 4 seconds. Thats the reason why you find chewing-gum's stuck under your desk.

CHAPTER15 - Camouflage

Girls can take maximum benifit of a camouflage. Scribbling notes on the "duppata's" are mostly unseen.

CHAPTER16 - Contact with people

Saab ko apna "BHAY" bana ke chalo! Kabhi koi tension nahi hoga!!

CHAPTER17 - Survival in Man-made-Hazzard

Aur itna sab karke bhi gocchi ho-gaya toh, bhai mentos khao - apni akkal lagao :D

3 प्रतिक्रिया

  1. सौरभ Says:

    wah wah... this manual shud b distributed among students right after SSC xams... wht abt survival techniques in tough time like whn results r out n u r flunked in one or more subjects...

  2. Aakash Says:

    Sabkuch ek-hi edition mein nahi chap-dete.....Iss pe poora naya topic ban sakta hain! :P lol

  3. सौरभ Says:

    lol... this is just introductory manual... in later parts all topics wil b covered in details...

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